Five Phrases to Never Say in the Workplace

“Brad was totally overreacting. He heard only one part of my explanation — the part where I said I didn’t tell anyone. he interrupted me before I could finish. he heard me say “no” and didn’t listen to anything after that. He was rambling and I knew he was upset. At every breath he took, I told him to calm down!It didn’t do any good. in fact, it made him angrier.”

We have all been in that position where a team member became visibly upset over something another person said and they reacted instinctively, without bothering to consider whether they misunderstood or misinterpreted words and actions. The ripple effect of their words and actions can affect everyone in your department. “Calm down!” is like tossing a match in their fire. What else shouldn’t you utter?

What NOT to say

There are certain words and phrases that can alienate, infuriate or demoralize your team members.

1. “Calm down!”

What you are essentially telling the person is this: “Hey! You are making a mountain out of a molehill. You are acting childishly. You are acting irrationally. You have no basis for what you are saying or for what you are feeling. You are blowing everything out of proportion. You do not know what you are talking about. You need to leave — right now. Leave!”

Think about what you have just done. You have increased the visibility of the scene that Brad made, you have made the situation more awkward for everyone involved (yes, that is possible) and you have embarrassed Brad more than he embarrassed himself. You have called attention to him and his seemingly-unreasonable behavior and made everyone within earshot uncomfortable. You have also shown what type of director you are: one who would rather attack the distressed person than address the root cause privately.

You are an objectivebystander in an emotionally-chargedsituation. Your thinking patterns are different — yours is systematic and Brad’s is disorganized. Your perspectives are different. You see the big picture and Brad sees only a narrow slice. Your ultimate goal is different — yours is to return everyone to normal and Brad’s is to “win and live.”

2. “It’s a need to know and you don’t need to know.”

This is a polite way to tell your direct reports that they are not important enough to hear options the department is considering. It tells them that their perspectives don’t matter, their opinions are irrelevant and they are not smart enough to understand that decisions have not been finalized. It exerts control over them; yes, it is a form of manipulation. It keeps them in the dark about their futures and lets them know you don’t value them as loyal and dedicated professionals. It is you deciding that their need to know is not greater than the department’s need to not share.

There are times when upper level decisions are not fully formed, resolution discussions are ongoing and there truly is nothing to tell. If your people are asking you about it, it means they are uneasy with their futures. They will speculate on what’s going on behind closed doors. You are making it easier for distractions to occupy their thoughts.

You are the keeper of secrets, and have single-handedly fueled the rumor mill. Your inability or unwillingness to share any information demonstrates your belief that management is above those who do the work, and they need not be informed of decisions before these decisions are finalized.

3. “You have no choice.”          

This sounds like an ultimatum. Everyone always has at least two choices: to do it or not to do it. They might prefer the consequences for one of their choices to the other. Telling someone that they have no choice bullies them into doing what they do not want to do or what they would not normally do.

Stop and think about this. If you force them to do something they do not want to do, do you honestly believe that they will perform at their best? If you are lucky, their professionalism and pride in work will take over. However, their memory of how you treated them and what they felt like will live long after you have experienced the rewards of their work. Is it worth it?

4. A single statement with no explanation: “It won’t work,” “We can’t do that,” “Not my problem,” “Don’t worry about it,” or “I don’t have time.”

These self-centered statements are based on your experiences, your perceptions and your narrow field of vision. You are telling them you won’t change your mind and their opinions have no value.

What have you thought when you were told this? How eager were you to make additional suggestions and, more importantly, freely express your thoughts and ideas to your boss? Probably not very eager.

You are telling the other person that they do not know what they are talking about (how can you be sure?), they do not see the larger picture (that might be true) and their issue or concern is not important to you (which might be true for that moment).

5. Pseudo-motivation: “I know you can do it,” “You have never let me down before,” and “You know how to do it.”

Platitudes are surface responses — your intentions are to extract yourself from the situation as soon as you can. You offer no specific example as a basis for your statements. You are not addressing their true concerns; their lack of self-confidence, their need for additional direction, thoughts such as “What if I fail?” and “What if I let others down?” What’s under the surface needs addressing before further action can take place.

I call these “Chinese fortune cookie responses” because they remind me so much of the irrelevant and impersonal sayings inside fortune cookies. It’s a half-listening and half-hearted response to a serious concern.

What TO say

1. Acknowledge what they are experiencing. Saying “I know how you feel” is NOT acceptable. “I understand why you are <angry, upset, frustrated>” is a better way to get them beyond their current mental state. Their thoughts center on how their situation has affected them personally. The issue is one that needs to be dealt with on a personal and perhaps uncomfortable level. Until their thoughts migrate away from themselves and more towards the situation as a whole, you cannot thrust fairness into the discussion.

2. Sharing your “why” (your decision-making thought process) and explaining yourself takes a self-confident director. Allowing others to see inside your mind makes you vulnerable. It also creates and builds loyalty and fairness.

3. When in doubt about what to say, ask a question to get to the significant missing piece of the conversation. “What’s this really about?”, “What are you hearing?”, “What would you rather do differently?”, “Why won’t it work?”, “What’s your concern?” (in the same order as the phrases above).

4. As a general catchall, “Let’s talk about it” is a supporting and reassuring discussion opener. The important part to remember is to let them do the talking. It’s their concern, their distraction and their uneasiness. Allow them to vocalize it without interruption. They might untangle their reasoning themselves and thank you for listening.

Conclusion

Learning to become comfortable (or at least lessening your level of discomfort) is an important part of a director’s responsibilities. It is the ability to step back and assess the situation empathetically, recognizing what your direct reports need. It is also the ability to look at your own actions to consider what role you play in contributing to the morale and culture of your flight department. 

Dr. Shari Frisinger’ is a behavior analyst, works with flight departments on effectively managing thoughts and actions to maintain optimum mental health and being smart about what affects safety, productivity and morale. Her human factors programs and consulting raise awareness of potentially disruptive or unsafe behaviors, and techniques to ease conflict and enhance safety. Frisinger is an NBAA PDP provider, a member of NBAA’s Safety Committee, a member of Aviation Psychology Association, and faculty teaching leadership courses. She has presented behavioral safety programs to numerous flight departments and aviation companies. For more information, visit www.ShariFrisinger.comor call 281.992.4136.