Toxic Behaviors creating a strong deadly undercurrent

We have all experienced these situations:

• A director who denies facts, defends their flawed decisions, belittles others and takes their frustrations out on anyone who disagrees with them

• A co-worker who needs constant attention and feedback, pulling you away from completing your own tasks

• A colleague who reacts to suggestions with sarcasm and ridicule, not directly addressing the person making the suggestions

• A supervisor who takes credit for successful project outcomes, even though they disregarded them when the ideas were in the initial stages and did nothing to support you and other team members during the project execution

These behaviors are toxic, plain and simple. They humiliate those on the receiving end. They chip away at morale, hamper honest conversations, shatter creativity and squelch true teamwork. Think back to how you felt when you were subjected to these tirades — embarrassed, self-conscious, annoyed, betrayed, disgraced, regretful, uncomfortable and disappointed. Pick your feeling. That feeling (or those feelings) will resurface nearly every time you encounter that person, possibly for years to come.

The definition

Toxic seems to be the new buzzword, much like transparency, seamless and other words that are tossed around because they are expected to convey higher standards. In reality, the meaning of these words has strayed from their original intent. Toxic people lack the awareness of how their poisonous behaviors affect others. Toxic people become masters at rationalizing their own actions. More often than not, toxic leaders unknowingly counter their challenger with a ‘fight’ response, a very primal and instinctual survival reaction. Sad to say, they might not be aware of their deadly behaviors. Unfortunately, other people are aware of these actions and how they can degrade their mental mindsets and their physical conditions.

Before we continue, let me clarify what toxic behavior is (whether demonstrated by a boss or a crewmember):

• defensive, arrogant and/or dismissive behaviors

• the inability to tolerate changes or delays

• lack concern for the well-being of others, acting in their own self-interest

The behaviors below might not be toxic by themselves; however, they can be included in the category of toxic behaviors:

• Bullying: the act of intimidating. Bullies prey upon what they see as a ‘weakness’ in others, and in an effort to bolster themselves up, they feel a need to tear others down. Much like in grade school, the best reaction is no reaction at all.

• Narcissism. Toxicity and narcissism are closely related. Both focus solely on the person’s own needs and desires. Narcissistic people act solely for their own benefit; they exaggerate their achievements, are consumed by their status and authority, or have no qualms about using others for their own promotion.

• Verbal or non-verbal hostility by showing displeasure either aggressively or passive aggressively. Actions could include giving someone the ‘silent treatment’ and ignoring them, talking about them as if they were not present, pretending to slap them or other hostile actions. When faced with this unwanted behavior, they pass it off lightly with excuses such as “I didn’t mean anything by it” or “I was thinking of something else.” They might even deny outright what they are accused of doing.

Whether these behaviors are demonstrated or not, the results of toxic behavior can be long lasting. Because our brain is wired to remember emotional events more quickly and with greater clarity, the scars left by these inappropriate and corrupted actions can be deep and permanent.

Charting toxic behaviors

There are levels and frequency of each of these. Too often, we dismiss someone’s actions because “they are having a bad day,” “they are in the midst of a personal crisis,” or “that’s just the way they are.” Reality can set in when you document their behaviors. If you were to track their actions, your table may look something like this:

Action steps

Toxic behaviors that are not part of a person’s normal behaviors are handled differently than those behaviors you rank high and frequent. Your initial question should be “is this a one-time occurrence or has this behavior become a habit with this individual?” The answer to that will determine your next steps:

If it is an occasional event, is there an unusual amount of stress in their life? Are they thinking they cannot control the situation? Has the situation caused them to lose their confidence? Are they optimistic or pessimistic about the outcome? These are valid concerns that you should address before the situation escalates or before it becomes a habit.

If this behavior has become their norm, and if you let it go without punishment, you are excusing that behavior and giving it your stamp of approval. You have just agreed to a new standard of behavior, and you should expect others to either follow that standard or leave your organization to find an organization that does not tolerate those types of behaviors. If you choose not to do anything about it, hoping it will pass, you have revealed to everyone that you might be powerless or weak, unwilling to do what is in the best interest of the department and for each member in the department.

The longer-term effects of toxic behaviors will be less communication and less sharing of ideas. These will result in a decrease in creativity and problem solving, unresolved conflict that festers and grows until it overtakes your entire department, increased paranoia and avoidance planning, and an unusual amount of time consumed by thoughts of dislike or frustration with the person’s toxic behaviors. All have the potential to derail your safety program.

As their director, you deal with this situation much the same as you would deal with any other unwanted or unprofessional behavior:

1. Document what you saw they did, what you heard them say, and what the reaction was of those around them. You need to also realize that their perception of what happened might be different from your perception.

2. Ask them what happened. Follow up with probing questions such as, “What did he/she say or do that you took offense to?”, “Why did you do that?” or simply ,“Why?”

3. They might overreact to your questions as they see you are challenging them. It is imperative that you maintain your own composure, at least initially, despite what you are feeling. At some point, you might need to mirror their reactions in voice tone and volume. You will have a sense of when the conversation has turned into a merry-go-round, rehashing the same issues repeatedly, or a dead end where they are adamant that they did not behave unprofessionally.

4. If they refuse to change or to acknowledge the validity in alternate perspectives, it might be time to release them. Check with your HR department before you take any action.

I have had clients tell me that they were quite (pleasantly) surprised how ‘fresh’ their flight department became after they released the toxic person. People were smiling, laughing and joking, and the atmosphere was completely different. Team members were spending more time at work — not arriving at the last minute or rushing to leave. In addition, they were also talking and helping each other more. One statement summed up the situation: “Had I know the drastic difference their leaving would cause, I would have let them go sooner!”

If you encounter a toxic boss or colleague and have no authority over their actions, these steps can help keep you grounded in reality:

• Be aware of how you are reacting to them physically, mentally and emotionally. Decide how much you can take and if it’s worth it for you to stay and battle or brace yourself against them.

• Have others present when you need to interact with them. Your brain will see that ‘friendly face’ as support and will double check your words before you say anything to them.

• Build yourself a ‘mental buffer’ — a phrase to say during and after your interactions. (“This will not have any long-term effects on my mental health or my career”.) Remember that your mind can only hold one thought at a time. Make it one that does not focus on their poison.

• Remind yourself that they are reacting to something and it is not you. This can be difficult to do; however, it will occupy your mind with something other than their cutting words.

• Finally, find a safe way to tell the person the hostile effects their behaviors have on others. You might also need to solicit help from the person’s colleague or boss.

Conclusion.

Toxic behaviors have no place in your flight department; however, the harsh reality is that they can exist. Curbing your own impulses to fight or flee, combined with mastering your reactions to walk away or even smile, can increase your self-respect and the respect you earn from others. You have control on how you react or respond. They have not taken that from you. As the director, it is incumbent upon you to address these issues quickly, firmly and confidently. Doing so requires the courage to take the necessary action to do what is right for your flight department, for your team, for your passengers and for yourself. 

References:

Byrne, A., Dionisi, A. M., Barling, J., Akers, A., Robertson, J., Lys, R., Wylie, J., ... Dupre, K. (2014). The depleted leader: The influence of leaders’ diminished psychological resources on leadership behaviors. The Leadership Quarterly, 25, 2, 344-357.

Doty, J., & Fenlason, J. (2013). Narcissism and Toxic Leaders. Military Review, 93, 1, 55-60.

Ellis, L. (July 2014). Toxic leadership isn’t dead yet. Smart Business Chicago, 22.

Reed, G. E. (2004). Leadership - Toxic Leadership. Military Review, 84, 4, 67.

Dr. Shari Frisinger is president of CornerStone Strategies LLC. Her research centers on being smart about thoughts, emotions and actions. Her human factors, TEM behavioral programs and consulting raise awareness of potentially disruptive or unsafe behaviors. She provides her clients the tools to ease conflict, enhance safety and elevate service. She is an NBAA PDP provider, a member of NBAA’s Safety Committee, a member of Aviation Psychology Association and an adjunct faculty facilitating leadership courses. She has presented CRM/HF to numerous flight departments and aviation companies. For more information, visit www.ShariFrisinger.comor call 281.992.4136.